My cousins are in town this week with their beautiful baby girl. They live in Washington and this is their first visit back home with Emma. We had dinner with them last night, and I got to hold Emma for hours. She is absolutely adorable! She has these cute little rolls on her legs and chubby little fingers. Precious!
I've always known I wanted to have children. Like most little girls, I dreamed of the day I would become a mommy. I've always loved kids, especially babies. I've helped out in the nursery and kids classes at church, I helped with the preschool we ran out of our high school, I babysat. All of my friends are at that getting married/having kids point in life, so I'm constantly surrounded by a pregnant friend or a new baby. There is no end to my baby interaction. Through all that, I've known that someday I will have a baby of my own and it will be amazing. I've wanted a baby forever. I know I'm not ready, and my husband is not ready, but I want one. Not right now, but someday. It's a desire of my heart, placed there for a reason, and I know it will come to pass. Last night, holding Emma, rubbing her chubby little leg, and watching her sleep...I was content. In that moment, with that beautiful little girl in my arms, I was peace. Whatever else is going wrong in my life, whatever I have to stress about, it all melted away as soon as I saw her. I was made to be a mom. I was created to have my very own precious little baby to hold and love. The desire that has always been so present in my heart welled up even more fervently. It screamed at me. It jumped up and down with neon signs and bullhorns - THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE MADE FOR!!! As many babies as I've held in the last 2 years, and as much as I love them all...this was different. She's family, yes, but it's more than that. It may very well be that she's the first girl in the group. I always thought I wanted to have a boy first...until Emma. There's something completely different about holding a tiny little girl versus a tiny little boy. Not only was I made to be a mother, but I was made to have a little girl.
When my husband and I got engaged, of course we talked about children. I want 4, he's okay with 1. I want to be married 2 years before we start having kids, he's okay with waiting 10+ years to have kids (which works for him since he has no biological clock ticking away his childbearing years). After we got married, he suddenly decided that he doesn't want kids...ever. That is not okay with me. However, I'm certain that he does want children at some point in his life - he is the only son in his family, so if he doesn't have a son, the name dies with him. I know he wants a little boy to go hunting with and teach him about cars.
5 months before we got married, we found out some friends of ours were going to have a baby. A few months after that, we found out another couple was expecting. A couple months after we got married, we got the news that another couple would be parents, as well, and couple #1 had baby #1. Baby #2 came a couple months later. A few days after baby #2 arrived, we found out that our cousins were expecting. About 4 months before our first anniversary, couple #5 announced they were expecting. About 3 months after that, baby #3 arrived. Baby Emma joined us in July. About 2 months ago we found out that couple #1 is expecting their second baby in March and another couple is expecing their first in February. Baby #5 arrived 2 days ago. We found out last weekend that my husband's sister is expecting her 7th child (her sixth child is only 20 months old). We have been constantly surrounded by pregnancies and babies over the last 2 years and there seems to be no end in sight as more of our friends are getting married, and round 2 of babies is starting (thank you couple #1!). My husband hasn't spent much time around any of the handful of babies that exist in our circle of friends. They are all wonderful babies with wonderful parents who will raise them to be wonderful children. He has, however, spent time around his 9 nieces and nephews (#10 will be here soon!). They have not-so-wonderful parents and are definitely not-so-wonderful children. All he's ever known of children pretty much comes from them. If that's all I had ever known, I would be a huge advocate for sterilizing the human race. Lucky for me I have known mostly wonderful children throughout my life, so I am instead adamantly against population-wide sterilization. I believe the only reason he keeps telling me that he does not want children ever is because he's afraid that his kids will turn out like his nieces and nephews. We will be great parents, though, so there's clearly nothing to worry about.
I think he freaks out when I say "When I have a baby..." because he thinks I want one right now. I'm fully aware that right now is the complete wrong time for a baby. I just want on someday. He can't differentiate between now and and someday. Or, rather, he doesn't think I can make that distinction. I'm content to hang out with the multitude of babies I'm surrounded by...for now. I just want him to spend some time with them so he can see how great they can be.
Last night, my husband held baby Emma. It was adorable watching him struggle to figure out how to hold this little person. We were able to get him to admit that she is both soft and cute. When she cried, he said it was sad that she was so upset. I think we are on our way toward him being ready for a baby. Not close...but on our way.
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